Alright, gather ’round, internet peeps, because it’s time to delve into the depths of my soul… or at least, that’s what the New Rice Purity Test promised. You know the one, the online questionnaire that’s been floating around, judging our “purity” based on a series of increasingly eyebrow-raising questions? Yeah, I fell victim to its siren call of self-discovery (or maybe just boredom), and let me tell you, it was a wild ride.

First things first, I went in with zero judgment. Like, I’m the queen of “live and let live,” so I figured, how bad could it be? A few laughs at my grandma-level innocence, right? Wrong. This sucker started out tame, asking if I’d ever lied (guilty) or eaten a whole pizza in one sitting (absolutely). But then, it took a sharp turn into “Have you ever skinny-dipped?” and “Do you own any lingerie that isn’t from the granny aisle?”

My eyes bugged out faster than a cockroach at a disco. Was this a purity test or a spicy truth-or-dare? I felt like I was back in middle school, sweating over notes passed in class, except now, the whole world could potentially witness my (lack of) street cred.

But hey, I’m nothing if not a commitment machine. I soldiered on, cheeks burning as I clicked through questions about piercings, tattoos, and (gulp) gasp public displays of affection. At this point, my inner angel and demon were having a fistfight over the keyboard. One minute, I was a choir girl proclaiming my love for kittens and chamomile tea, the next, I was secretly high-fiving myself for learning how to say “thank you” in fluent sarcasm.

The deeper I went, the more the test seemed to revel in my ordinariness. I’d proudly tick “never” for something outrageous, only to see my score plummet because apparently, not owning a boat was a sign of severe moral depravity. Who knew?

Eventually, after what felt like an eternity of self-interrogation, I reached the grand finale: my official Rice Purity Score. And, drumroll please… it was a respectable (read: boring) 92. Okay, maybe not “respectable” to the cool kids who probably consider jaywalking a rite of passage, but hey, I’ll take it! I mean, I can still make a mean batch of mac and cheese, fold a fitted sheet like a pro, and have zero shame in belting out show tunes in the shower. That’s gotta count for something, right?

But the truth is, the score wasn’t the point. The New Rice Purity Test wasn’t just about judging my level of “pureness.” It was a hilarious, albeit slightly uncomfortable, reminder that everyone walks their own path. Some folks might have scores that would make a sailor blush, while others, like me, might stick to coloring inside the lines (most of the time). And that’s perfectly okay.

In the end, the test became less about purity and more about perspective. It made me laugh at myself, question my preconceived notions about “normal,” and appreciate the weird and wonderful tapestry of human experiences. Sure, I might not be a rebel with a cause (unless you count my undying devotion to fluffy socks), but hey, I’m happy in my own little corner of the world, baking cookies and binge-watching reality TV.


So, if you’re considering taking the New Rice Purity Test, I say go for it! Just remember, don’t take it too seriously. It’s a quirky internet quiz, not a moral compass. Embrace the laughs, the cringe, and maybe even learn a thing or two about yourself (and the bizarre things people apparently do these days).

And hey, who knows, you might even discover a hidden rebel streak you never knew you had. Just please, do it in the comfort of your own home, because nobody needs to witness the existential crisis that ensues when you realize you don’t know how to shuffle cards.

Till next time, internet fam! May your purity scores be high (or low), your adventures be wild (or cozy), and your socks be forever fluffy.